Rules for Miss.SingSong

Most of the teaching books I read while I was a teacher discussed classroom management and engagement more than they did teaching.  There's a reason for that.  Students simply can't be expected to learn if there are 29 other students jumping around, talking, throwing things, or - as I personally know - having fistfights in the classroom.  But even if everyone is in their seats and sitting quietly, students won't learn if they have never been taught focus and discipline.

I didn't get it my first year.  I assumed that all I had to do was express my expectations, and my students would fall in line.  I was also terrified that if I did anything to discipline my class, students might make up stories about me and get me fired.  Turns out, the lack of discipline made them hate the class enough to make up stories anyway.  I didn't get fired for their stories, but I did get fired for my lack of classroom control.

My last year of teaching I had an effective management system that didn't involve much by way of threats, yelling, or anger.  The kids were in charge.  I would simply put a mark on the board every few minutes.  If they were behaving the way I expected them to, they got a mark on the right side of the board.  If they were not behaving the way that I expected, they got a mark on the left side of the board.  More marks on the left meant that many more homework problems for the night; but more marks on the right meant that many fewer problems.  Sometimes they had a lot of homework, and sometimes they had almost none.  They knew what I expected, and they were motivated!  If there were problems with individual students, instead of putting a mark up for the whole class, I would phone home.

Some parents and guardians would defend their little mischief makers to the death.  Their son or daughter was never in the wrong, it was always the teacher's fault.  These particular students were difficult for all of their teachers.  The principal didn't want to deal with these parents any more than we did, so the students would often get a pass on behavior.  What a sad thing for these students!  In general they did not achieve what they could have achieved, all because their parent was too afraid to parent. 

In parenting, we try to follow the example that Heavenly Father has given us in His dealings with His children.  Heavenly Father gives rules and consequences for following or breaking those rules.  Many of the consequences are waited for, but most choices that we make are quickly followed by either a happy, warm confirmation from the Spirit that we did well, or the guilty, empty feeling of His absence.  We can follow this same pattern in setting appropriate rules for our children.

Miss.SingSong's first rule was that once Mr. Perfect or I put her down to sleep, she didn't come back out of the crib until she had slept.  She learned that one rather quickly, and now loves her crib.  Please note that she doesn't come out of the crib, but that doesn't mean we aren't sometimes in there rubbing her tummy or her back and singing her songs when she needs it.  

There are rarely exceptions to this rule; if I suspect that she's in pain or otherwise uncomfortable and will have a hard time sleeping, I will hold her longer, even letting her fall asleep in my arms, before putting her down.  The rule is simply that she stay in her crib once her parents decide to put her in the crib.

Miss.SingSong was ready for that rule at the time we implemented it.  She was already sleeping through the night and taking long naps at approximately the same time each day.  Each baby is going to be different.  The point is simply that babies can have rules.

Her other two rules, as she's started moving more, are 1) no rolling over on the changing pad, and 2) no playing with the blinds.  

She thought the first of these rules was a game at first, and she still tries to roll over sometimes, but she lies flat during most of her diaper changes.  When she starts to roll over I will put my hand on her chest while giving a quick and almost sharp "uh-uh!" followed by a gentler "no, no."  The rest of the time while I'm changing her diaper (even if I'm holding her down to prevent her from rolling) I talk to her in a happy sing-song voice about how she is helping mommy by making a good decision to stay flat.  She doesn't care what I'm saying yet, but it matters how I'm saying it.

You should see Miss.SingSong get close to the vertical blinds in our living room.  She'll stop and stare at them for a long time.  Then she'll look back at me.  If she can see that I'm looking at her, she'll just crawl away from the blinds.  I always praise her for making a good decision.  Sometimes she doesn't look for me and reaches out to try to touch the blinds.  I say that same "uh-uh" and you should see how fast she crawls away.  Again, that is always followed by praise, and she usually comes straight to me with a smile.  

At the times she doesn't respond to me at all, I just pick her up and move her away.  I still praise her once she's been moved away, because she's learning that the happy sing-song reward comes when she's not near the blinds.

I have to give my mom and sisters credit here.  My mom has always taught us that children, even young children, can learn rules and can be trained.  She and I acknowledge that some children will test those boundaries more often, but they can still know that their parents love them enough to be consistent.  My sisters have been amazing examples of this in their parenting.  Watching my sisters parent has always given me great hope and relief to know that yes, the parent can be in charge!  Sometimes that's hard to see today.

Parenting isn't easy.  This is the most all-consuming occupation anyone can choose.  We don't get to just phone this one in.  I'm only in the beginning of my life as a parent, but it already feels like it's the only thing I have time for when she's awake!  As President Faust put it in his message, A Thousand Threads of Love,

"In my opinion, the teaching, rearing, and training of children requires more intelligence, intuitive understanding, humility, strength, wisdom, spirituality, perseverance, and hard work than any other challenge we might have in life."

In the same message he also said,

"While few human challenges are greater than that of being good parents, few opportunities offer greater potential for joy. Surely no more important work is to be done in this world than preparing our children to be God-fearing, happy, honorable, and productive. Parents will find no more fulfilling happiness than to have their children honor them and their teachings. It is the glory of parenthood. John testified, 'I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.'"

As we pray over our stewardship as parents, we will be blessed and guided.  We can pray for specific help in knowing what rules and consequences we should implement.  I also pray every day, and every time I enforce a rule, that Heavenly Father will help me know when Miss.SingSong just needs cuddles.